All Too Much

Have you ever felt like the stuff going on in your life was too much? Have you ever been in that "when it rains, it pours" situation? That's where I find myself at the moment. But before I continue with this blog, I want to make sure you know that I'm not sharing so that this blog or my Facebook page can be littered with comments of sympathy and "I'm so sorry", although I know that would be a sincere response by many of you. I'm sharing to encourage you if you ever find yourself feeling like I'm feeling. I'm sharing to encourage and remind myself that there IS hope.

I was blessed to spend Mother's Day with my mom and dad last week. This year has been very difficult for mom, as she suffers from anxiety and depression. The fact that she was coming to Baltimore to visit felt like a big deal. But it didn't take long at all to see that the woman with my dad wasn't my mom. She was nervous, she was anxious. She was quiet. She tried really hard to interact and talk with people, but that's just it; my mom wouldn't have had to try. And as we finished dinner and she anxiously and impatiently waits for the waiter to bring our check, the reality set in. This isn't my mom, and I don't know when I'll see her again.

Friday she was admitted into the hospital for the third time this year. My heart breaks for the lack of peace she's experienced for so long and selfishly it longs for what's been absent for months. It's all too much.

Saturday I went car shopping to replace my poor Prius that was totaled a few weeks ago. I found a car I liked at a price we were comfortable with, at a dealership close by. After visiting in the morning, I found that I liked the model and it seemed like we could reach a deal with the price but I would have to return at another time to test drive the actual car I wanted since it wasn't inspected yet. I arrived back later that evening, test drove the car in the wind and rain, and was ready to cut a check and make the purchase. And this is where our seemingly happy story takes a turn. Cue in finance guy. He proceeds to tell me that the monthly payment I was looking at was numerically impossible and he had no idea how I got the figure that I did. (Mind you, the figure I was working with was given to me by the dealership's sales associate) As I tried to explain, he continued to talk over me, over and  again . Finally I stopped and said that I didn't appreciate how he was speaking to me. I asked him to stop speaking over me and to let me finish my....and I couldn't even finish that sentence without him speaking over me again. At that point I told him I was finished, I kindly picked up my pocketbook and left. That was all too much.

Saturday night I get a text message from my dad that his older sister had passed away. Aunt Dinky (Mary Ellen) battle cancer for years and fought hard. But there came a point where her body was too weak to handle the chemo. She had a beautiful smile and would always tell me how proud of me she was when we were together. Looking at her was like looking into the eyes of my grandmother and I'll miss that about her very much. This is all too much.

Saturday night I had a decision to make. I supposed to sing with my church's choir the next day. It was going to be a long day. I'm exhausted.  I'm stressed.  But I chose to go. I know that's what mom and Aunt Dinky would want me to do. Because despite everything going on, all that I've shared and all that I haven't, I believe that God is still good. I still have things to thank Him for. It's Sunday evening and I'm still exhausted. I'm still stressed. But I sang and I was loved well today. I'm so grateful for that.

My good friend Nikki spoke at church today and she taught from Hebrews 10:19-22 which tells us that because Jesus paid for all of our sins, there isn't a barrier between us and God. We can come to Him boldly with our requests, our needs, our hurts, our fears, our joys, our successes and our failures. I believe Romans 8:28 where it says that God works everything together for good. I believe my mom is going to have an incredibly powerful testimony that will inspire so many people. I believe the car situation will work out in my favor. And I believe that my aunt is celebrating the ultimate victory in heaven with her mom, dad, and daughter. It IS all too much to deal with by myself. I'm grateful to believe I don't have to.

Here are some promises that I hold tightly to, that I hope will encourage you.
Promise verse 1   Promise verse 2   Promise verse 3   Promise verse 4

May we know and believe we have hope, even when things seem all too much.

Love Tap

My first reaction was, "seriously, this can not be happening to me again." But as I sat with spilled coffee on the floor of my car and air bags I didn't even know I had, deployed, I came to the realization that "yup it's happening again". I got hit. As I sit, smelling the mix of coffee and airbags and car rubble, I just shake my head and say "Alright God, it's happening to me again. Have Your way in this situation." And He did. The young driver was apologetic and made sure I was ok. A kind lady, who was an off duty EMT stayed with me and made sure I was fine. An older gentleman made sure to give me his name and number to give to the police officer as a witness to what happened.  My principal at work stopped to see that I was ok and our amazing guidance counselor stayed with me until Matt came. Countless coworkers, who were driving to work, paused when they saw Karen and I to see if I was ok and if we needed anything. The officer on duty said that I must be pretty popular. I thought to myself, "No, but I am incredibly blessed". Another blessing was that Matt was off from work, so he was able to pick me up, retrieve the belongings from my torn-up, towed car, and drive us home.  Later on that afternoon, I received a call saying that other party was accepting liability for the
accident. Huge weight lifted. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I was grateful the other party was truthful and I wasn't going to have to engage in a long process of proving my innocence.

Kind strangers, caring coworkers, loving husband, favorable outcome. Oh I forgot to mention that I walked away with only a bruised leg and sore chest and neck. Later on that evening it became clear to me what had happened. God gave me a love tap.

Not always in the form of an accident, thank God, but I do find that this happens to me wh
en I get a little complacent in my relationship with Him. When things are going well and the urgency to connect and pray isn't as strong. When life is just rolling along ok and I don't pause as often to be grateful for what I have. Love tap. You wanna know what my last "love tap" was? Wocka 3 :-)  (Read my first blog if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

A "love tap" is that thing that happens kind of out of the blue when things in life are going along just fine and then BAM, it hits.  A loss, an accident, a sickness. I don't know what "love taps" have happened in your life, but I do know that when it happens, it doesn't feel like love. My first reaction is usually "why is this happening to me?"

In my life, it happens to me when God is telling me I'm getting a little too far away and He wants that closeness back. And I can't argue with Him. In fact, before the "love tap", there's usually something inside of me saying "you know you're getting a little too far away." But do I put in the effort I should to prevent that? Not always. But here's the cool thing,. Even though the "love tap" situation is usually crummy, God always shows His love and care for me and shows up when I need Him to. When I give the situation to Him, He always comes through in amazing ways. Those blessings in the midst of the "love tap" make me wonder why I ever let myself get too far away.

If and when you find yourself in what you think might be a "love tap" situation, here are a few verses that may be helpful to read and meditate on:
Love tap verse 1    Love tap verse 2 
(This last verse is a full chapter but it was too good to cut it off. Love Tap verse 3

May we chose to view those unexpected, unwanted, crummy circumstances that happen in our lives as love taps from a God who loves us, desires a close relationship with us, and longs to bless us beyond our dreams.

Thank you for reading!